You Have Many Alpha Tendencies

You're not a total alpha female, but you certainly know how to - and like to - get your way. You're forceful without being intimidating. You're confident without being vain. A perfect mix.

Not sure if this is good or bad. I'd like to think it's a good thing. :-)

Tomorrow will be a day that I remember for the rest of my life!  I've never been in a hospital without being a patient or visitor.  I have a feeling that I will get on 5 main of the Medical Center of Central Georgia and freak the fuck out.....but hopefully only for a moment or two, till I get my bearings then I shall (probably) be fine.  AHHHHH I AM FREAKING OUT but in a good way, of course. :-)  Now I shall try to get to sleep.  4am will arrive very quickly.

Late at night my true emotions that I have tucked away come luring out. Some would call it melodrama, but I call it an epiphany. Whatever its term or meaning, its a bit of my own intuition telling me something is not right in my life. Tonight I have decided that I am lonely. I'm very involved in school during the workweek, but the weekends are particularly difficult. So I have decided that I need to stop meandering in my own puddles of self-sorrow and actually DO something about it. I need to get a hobby, find a job, throw myself into any kind of activity that will allow me to preoccupy myself. Or maybe I just need to get comfortable with just being me. I suppose there isn't anything wrong with hanging out with myself. It's not ideal, of course...but it could be worse. Some of the clients I have seen don't even have their own identity or consciousness. They're just hanging out with- their shell? Hmmm....the "living dead". Interesting. How morbid. I think it's because I am up late. I suppose it's time to go to bed.

Thank goodness for Elsworthians! Now I can FINALLY use my tunes redux! YES!!!!! (University Court Residents have bad tastes in music)

In other news...

A cop almost crashed into me today. He was going north bound on okemos road and I was going south, then out of nowhere he decides to make a U turn in the middle of the road and into me! I wonder who would have written the ticket if we had gotten into an accident...

My first Chemistry exam is tomorrow! Wish me luck.

I am not envying Matt today...he is working from 11am-2am today, then from 6am to noon tomorrow. :-(

Seriously. How many games of flip cup can you play between the hours of 7:30am and 9:10pm? I think I'll go ask my beligerently drunk/falling over neighbors. haha. I've never known anyone to tailgate for such a long time.

After my 4 hour nap I went down to the basement to make myself dinner when I heard a lot of German. One of my housemates was speaking fluently with his mom. It made me think of my mom's side of the family which is completely German. We used to have these huge sauerkraut & spaetzle meals where we would invite about 20 of our relatives over. I miss those days sometimes.

I got an email from my dad today. I'm so happy for him. He's really enjoying his new life in the deep south. He and Scott go to plays, have dinner parties, and go to their cabin. He's really enjoying his new job. It's a good mix for him - he sees clients and also presents seminars on alcohol and drug use.

Ahhhh...good old physiology. I wish it would go away but it won't. Back to the books. ;-)

Wow! I haven't posted for a LONGGGGG time. School started at LCC this past week. I thought I would be in classes with only 18 year olds...I was gratefully surprised that about half the students are actually OLDER than me. We had to do this assignment in my Physiology Lab where we had to put our ages and pulse rates on the board (which is how I found this out). My physiology class will be the hardest but I'm willing to beat the hell out of it. Take me on you bitch of a class! I will prevail! haha...not really. I wish. But I'm hoping to at least get a 3.5. I really need to do well to get into that nursing program at UM.

I decided to ride my bike into downtown Lansing yesturday for lunch. I had the best salad I've ever eaten at this place called the Spotted Dog. I asked how long they've been there...aparently they've been in business 14 years. It always surprises me how much more of my suroundings I can take in when I switch to a slower form of transportation.

I have moved into a housing cooperative called Elsworth. I'm going to be the house treasurer which is a great job for me since our account is at MSUFCU. So anytime I need to pay a bill, etc...I'm right there! I can basically keep track of our finances while I'm at work.

Matt has moved from the Phoenix co-op into treehouse apts with his good friend, Phil. I'm really excited for fun times ahead with them and Phil's girlfiend, Kate. It's a nice change from having to drive almost half an hour to see Matt (I lived in Dewitt for part of this summer).

Last night I went to the Riv with Matt. We met up with some friends of his- Dave, Nick, Chris, (and someone else...I have a bad time remembering names.) We had such a great time. I ran into my friend Chris from high school, and his girlfriend Heather. I hadn't seen him in about 3 years! He's just the same Chris. haha. It's a strange feeling when part of your past sticks its head in the present. Like two worlds colliding.

Has anyone out there noticed that Brown uses anagrams within the book?

Here are a few that I have found...

page 138: numbers is written in a strange font
page 155: there is no "155"...where those numbers should go are the letters "sos"

I'm only on page 213...we will see how many more there are.

Isn't that weird? Is he trying to just make us think there is more to the book than what just meets the eye? Perhaps these things mean nothing. I'm sure they are intentional, but perhaps they are there just to captivate his audience into thinking it is more than what it is.

Or- Maybe there really is something to these things. But what could they mean? hmph.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/16/us/16medicaid.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Your clients will have to PROVE they are citizens or else they will lose their health insurance as of July 1st. I guess they assume that every nursing home patient with dementia will know EXACTLY where their birth certificate is, right? ha. sure. like this will work.

I'm taking a coffee break at home right now between nursing homes. I just visited five people at a facility in south lansing. The nurses were all very busy, and couldn't tell me if there had been and medical changes with any of the patients, so they offered to let me look through patients' charts so that I could get a medical update on how they have been doing. I couldn't help but notice how many pre-formatted forms were in the charts. No room for real qualitative reflection on each person. Anything that was hand written referred to "the patient" not to them by their real name. It seemed as though they no longer were a person, but an entity. A number. I remarked that my client had been born in Alaska to my client's aide who was completely shocked...both women (my client and the aide) were African American women. The aide has worked there for over 3 years, the client has been at the facility for 9 years. I think the aide just expected for her to have been born somewhere down south or something. It said where she was born right on the front page of her chart! How could that have been missed in those THREE years the aide has worked there? One woman thought I was her long lost daughter in law whom she had taken care of when she was a baby. I kept trying to explain that I wasn't and that this was our first meeting, but she couldn't get it.

Back to the forms and all. I see a DELIBERATE trend here. The nursing home gets the new patient. The patient exhibits "BEHAVIORS" and gets sent to a psych unit at a local hospital that specializes in geriatric patients like this who start acting up once they get admitted into a nursing home. Then once the patient is overly medicated to the point of losing their identity and morphing into a "compliant" patient, they are re-admitted into the nursing home where they spend the rest of their days not knowing what is going on. Since when has it been ok to ensure compliance through medicating people?! Isn't this ETHICALLY WRONG?!

Now I will admit that there are things like Alzheimers and dementia can also cause these symtoms...it may not be meds in ALL cases...but I argue that many times it is. Why are ALL of our clients diagnosed with "DEPRESSION"? It seems as though this happens all the time and it has come to be expected and normal. But it shouldn't be normal. There is a problem when every single patient HAS THE EXACT SAME DIAGNOSIS. I don't just mean depression. It seems as though every single on of them is on "risperdal for behaviors" BEHAVIORS? WTF?! Aren't they allowed to BEHAVE?! They act out when they first arrive. REALLY?! Big surprise there. Wouldn't YOU act out if you knew what was coming? If you were AWARE that the remainder of your days would be spent in a place like that, with almost no independence and no visits from friends or family?! If you saw how all of the other patients acted and knew that what they were going through was your ultimate fate? So of course the medical staff MUST do something to stop this acting out. They turn their patients into docile, passive, overly medicated creatures who have lost their sense of identity and purpose in life so that they won't have to deal with people who want to get out of the facility. This is the way it is, and the way it has been. But that doesn't make it right.

It's not just a coincidence that depression shows up whenever someone has been on medicine for agitation. The medicine for agitation causes people to lose their sense of knowing what is going on, thus causing them to become depressed.

And why aren’t there more enclosed courtyards!? It’s a beautiful day out and none of them even realize it…but if they could realize it, wouldn’t it be great if they could CHOOSE to go outside?

I just get so frustrated sometimes. This is such a superficial world we live in. The only reason those forms exist is to appease the insurance companies. Proof that allows the medical staff to continue getting paid. Why does most every institution have to be primarily a business? WHY?! Especially in the world of social services. It just does not seem right. And what bothers me the most is that systems like this, which have existed far before I came into the world, will probably continue to be in place well after I have left this world.

People don’t want to think about this situation because they become uncomfortable thinking about it. But just think. One of these days in the not so distant future it could and WILL be you. Just think about that one for a moment. This is why issues involving the elderly are so important. Not everyone will be a minority. Not everyone will be a woman or a disabled person. BUT WE ALL AGE. WE WILL ALL SOMEDAY BE OLD. This is an issue that we will all have to come to terms with and it needs to be confronted.

I created a list of things to do this summer that I've wanted to do for SO long but haven't had the chance to! Looking forward keeps me going.

I looked around the room in one of my classes today...I noticed all this tension in the air. Everyone's face had fallen victim to the rigors of stress and sleeplessness.

Only a few more weeks left. We can do it! :-)

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
~Nelson Mandela

These are the days that remind me of my decision to stay living in Michigan. People down south don't appreciate good weather like we do. I hope everyone gets a chance to get outside and soak up some sun!

I was in the pines nursing home today thinking about how all those people are cooped up without any sunshine. Granted they do have a patio, but the residents only really go out there to smoke. Then that got me thinking about my mom's volunteer project that she started at a retirement home---she basically built a beautiful garden/courtyard from scratch...got a grant for it and everything. And every nursing home patient I've come across so far is on some med for depression...just think if we got them out and about outside...think about what benefits (yes, even financial ones) that could offer. hmmm. I strongly believe that someone's psychological state greatly impacts their physical one.

Time for my mid-day cup of coffee. mmm. I hope it kicks me in the ass and gets me to wake up so I can pop out a paper or two. BTW..for all you folgers drinkers, go out and buy some whole beans and grind them yourself, just before you make your coffee...and use REAL cream and REAL sugar. It makes the world of difference. I shall convert you yet.

My throat no longer hurts! And I'm sure that my pain medicine has worn off. What a weird virus. Just a really bad sore throat. Strange. I'm just thankful that it didn't develop into something worse.

I just can't believe that the Bush administration is now considering an invasion of Iran. I'm very concerned that 20 years down the road everyone will "discover" (not like some of us don't already know) just how negatively this is affected our image. In the end, it will be all about how we tried to secure "resources" (oil...) and not about WMD or nuclear crap at all.

“This is much more than a nuclear issue...the real issue is who is going to control the Middle East and its oil in the next ten years.”

Well stated.

I love the following paragraph:

There is a Cold War precedent for targeting deep underground bunkers with nuclear weapons. In the early nineteen-eighties, the American intelligence community watched as the Soviet government began digging a huge underground complex outside Moscow. Analysts concluded that the underground facility was designed for “continuity of government”—for the political and military leadership to survive a nuclear war. (There are similar facilities, in Virginia and Pennsylvania, for the American leadership.)

ha. Thanks hun, for sharing this article with us. :-)

will this ever stop? I came home today (after getting 4 hours of sleep and working 12 hours all while having a fever and a sore throat) to this:

... a "demand for possession non payment of rent" letter from university court saying that I missed paying april's rent payment. I cut my cashiers check for it on MARCH 18TH BITCHES. That's well over 10 days before it was due. WTF?! So I have to pay the 485 plus late fees or "vacate the premises" within 7 days of being served. They strongly urge me to contact my lawyer as soon as possible.

WHAT THE FUCK?! I just get so pissed off. I try the hardest I possibly can to earn enough money to pay my bills. NO MY PARENTS DO NOT HELP ME MR. DEAN OF THE SCHOOL OF SOCIAL WORK. And because I have missed 3 days at the internship I will be working 48 hour weeks the next three weeks along with juggling 2 group projects, 2 presentations, 3 papers, two exams, and trying to find a new car, fix my old one and sell it.

GRRRR. When did I grow up so fast? If this is what being an adult is like, I'm not sure I want anymore of it. What happened to barbie dolls, legos, video games, and american girl dolls?!

I've got a $400 balance on my credit card, a $500 car insurance bill, a $200 verizon wireless bill...(oh and by the way I will not be answering my phone during "PEAK" hours since I only have 25 minutes to get me through Saturday)...

And I was supposed to have a medical proceedure tomorrow to find out if I have cells that might be a little off... but because of another health thing I am dealing with I am not able to have it...so that is moved back a couple weeks.

I swore that I wouldn't complain on LJ anymore, but it's completely within your power not to read this if you don't desire to.

And as of 2 hours from now I will have been up for 24 hours straight. Fucking university court can shove their eviction notice up the shit filled crevices the mice have chewed in our walls damnit.

THIS IS WHY I AM NOT PAYING RENT TO A MONEY HUNGRY CAPITOLISTIC MONOPOLY NEXT YEAR.

I get so frustrated when my body wakes me up and i can't get back to sleep. Especially when I'm sick and have to work 12 hours and go to the library after I get out of work at 9. That's like a 14 hour workday. I went to bed at midnight and woke up at 4:30 not being able to get to sleep. My alarm will go off in an hour so I'm not sure that I see any point in trying to go back to bed. Working 14 hours on 4 1/2 hours of sleep. Splendid.

one great thing about having a sore throat is the excuse to buy popsicles! Not that popsicles cost much, it's just that I don't ever buy them unless I'm sick.

I had a much better weekend than I have had in a loooong time. For once I declared "to hell with homework!" and just got out in the world and enjoyed myself a little bit without concentrating on deadlines and all the stuff that needs doing. Isn't that what weekends are for afterall?

Friday night was fantastic! After relishing in my day off from work, Matt and I went to the mates of state concert at the magic stick in Detroit. Maria Taylor opened for them...we were both actually more interested in hearing her than mates of state, however she wasn't as good live as we expected, mates of state were much better. It was fun to watch the chemistry jason and kori have on stage. Matt and I both had a few drinks- or shall I say stole many of MY drinks- :-) It was such a great time. I definately enjoyed myself. I decided to go to bed by 1 that morning so I could be well rested for work Saturday morning.

After work I went to see V for Vandetta with Matt, Phil, Phil's roommate Ken, and Kate. What a great movie! And what great people to watch it with! It just kept making me think of Rage Against the Machine songs...there are so many things the government keeps us from knowing...so many things they hide by help of the media, for example. We are force fed American ideals from an early age...not many people question what they have always known. They naivley accept things they are told and never question why things are the way they are. We have been taught conformity to a large degree. I hope the movie opened people's eyes up a little bit to what is going on in the world and what might happen if we all just accept things for what they are and never question them.

Then Kate, Phil, Matt and I went to get hot and readys...mmmm...and watched a movie at my place. It was just nice having good company, just relaxing and hanging out with friends. I really have missed that.

Today I woke with a fever and sore throat, but hey- it was a great excuse to watch 6 hours of the shining.

So here it is, 11:15 pm and I've got quite a lot of homework ahead of me. I've decided to treat myself better by starting a new work out schedule. Getting up at 6 to do crunches does not sound appealing in any way, but I'm too cheap to buy new clothes so this is my only option. :-)

Sweet dreams to you all! Goodnight.

ahhh...

So I just got done leaving a message on the contact center voice mail saying that I won't be in tomorrow. I'm about to take a sleeping pill, turn my phone off, and relax for the rest of the day.

Everyone needs to take a "mental health day" as my mom calls it, every once in awhile. And, at this point, having tomorrow off is probably worth around $200...and in reality I'm only losing $88.

So on that note, it's time to get some much needed relaxation.

A month of sleeplessness. Who cares. It's only a month. But this has been a problem since October. It's really taking a toll on my body. I laid down at midnight tonight. I have to get up at 7. If things had gone as planned I would have had 7 hours of sleep. But no, of course I laid in bed for almost 2 1/2 hours. I've got to work from 8:30-4:30 tomorrow then I'm going to Detroit for a concert till probably 1am or so, then working Saturday from 9-3.

I just can't work my 40 hours a week, keep up with my 15 credit classload without being well rested. It is IMPOSSIBLE. I'm debating about calling into work tomorrow. But that's $88 I'll lose out on.

I've got so many bills to pay it's ridiculous.

I guess I'll just have to catch up on sleep this summer. I'm just worried on how this will effect my relationships with people I love- espeically Matt.

I have been known to only be able to take so much, then I snap. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I take things out on the person in my life whom I love the most, and that is him. And lack of sleep doesn't seem like a big deal, but when you only get five or so hours a night for 9 months straight, it starts getting to be too much to handle and you start going crazy.

I find myself getting EXTREMELY jealous when I ask what he did throughout the day and a part of his response is "well, I slept from 10 to 3"...wouldn't that be fanTASTIC?! Good god. I wish I could do that. I don't mean to be so jealous, but it would just be so wonderful not to be too tired to care about anything all the time. I miss my passion. I honestly don't feel like the same person anymore. Somewhere this year I have lost me. My identity. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!? WILL I EVER FIND YOU AGAIN?!

I should have seen the doctor about this over Christmas break but somehow I thought it would get better, but it's only gotten worse. I made a counseling appointment last week and the woman and I decided it would be best for me NOT to get on meds for this since I only have another month to go.

This next month is going to be so hard. I'm debating just taking a sleeping pill every night like 10 hours before I have to wake up the next morning, but I tried that last week and I was STILL trying to get to sleep 4 hours after taking a FULL dose of the medication. Normally I take half a dose and get to sleep within an hour of taking it.

I just don't know how I'm going to go on.. I need my job. I feel stupid and lazy calling in because I didn't sleep well. They'll probably figure I was out drinking or something since I'm a college student. This job is more of a priority for me than either the internship or school at this point. I'll need to keep it until August of 2007, so I hate to burn any bridges with my employor.

grrrr... I feel such a loss of control over my body. It just does what it does, and what it likes to do is not good for me. I just want to be able to press a button and fall asleep. damn.

So now I have a decision to make: Is it worth 88 bucks to get a good night's sleep? If sleep were a comodity, would I PAY MONEY FOR IT?!

Answer: HELL YES I WOULD.

I need to shut up. This is getting insanley ridiculous. I just scanned over my last few entries, and I sound like a crazy person. Which I don't feel like I am...at least not in the 'real' world. ha...if there even is such a thing, but that's another issue. And the funny thing is, people make blogging out to be so important...like these few peices of writing dictate who I am. It reminds me of the great Ani Difranco and her song about women and clothes and stuff...

like what i happen to be wearing the day
that someone takes my picture
is my new statement for all of womankind

Let me just tell you that these entries are a form of release for me. It's where I come when I'm in a REALLY bad mood. I feel like I can't be angry to the outside world (jobs REQUIRE that employees be fake and put on a happy face even when they are pissed inside...) so I come here when I need to vent.

There are so many people in worse situations. I need to remember that. There are people in South America who work 12 hours a day EVERY DAY OF THEIR WHOLE LIVES, not just 2 days a week for 9 months like me.

So it's time for a humbling reality check.

Back to what's 'real'...what you see is not what you get. I visited an elderly woman at her daughter in law's NORMAL LOOKING trailor on Monday. This lady is a survivor of elder abuse. I walked into her "room" to her sitting on one of those portable toilet stools with diapers down to her knees pissing and crapping right in front of me, complaining about how her daughter in law pushes her and withholds food from her as a means of control and power over her. This woman has not had the opportunity to tell a soul about her situation, since the daugther in law is always around when anyone from any social agency is present. Luckily on this visit, the caregiver was at a neighbor's house, so this lady was comfortable telling me about the abuse. Now another thing is that this woman suffers from dimentia...so i'm not sure what is 'real' and what is not. The woman might be unintentionally telling me a lie. She was raped at 16 and according to her, her earliest memory is of her dad beating up her mom. It could all be made up, but to her it's real. That's the thing...even if it actually didn't happen, to the woman- it's happening. That is her reality. And who am I to tell her that what she perceives is attributable to some disease that I will probably have someday...it's probably something YOU will have someday too. We'll all get old and die. Now THAT is reality. That reminds me of a joke from Matt..."How many people who enter the doors of a hospital die"....the answer of course is 100%.

What is one person's reality may not be mainnsteam society's reality. But is one more real than the other?

Last week this man I met for the first time told me he was constantly seeing dead bodies all around him, all the time. Then he said he wanted to kill himself and proceeded to demonstrate exactly how he would do this (slit his wrists with a knife)...yet to him, the dead people really WERE all around. Who am I to discount his form of reality? For all we know, we could all be living in a Matrix type of world where no reality is the truth.

Ok, so with these lovely things running through my mind I shall at least ATTEMPT to sleep so I can get up in 5 hours to run 3 miles and go to work for 12 hours.

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to wallow in my self pitty.

Whatever fucker came up with this quiz mistyped the title...

How You Life Your Life

You tend to deprive yourself of things you crave, for your own good. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

***Disclaimer: If you dont want to hear bitching, avoid the following***

I just got a bill from verizon for around $200 and a bill for $500 from my car insurance company. When you only make $800 a month, and pay $500 a month in rent....there's a real problem.

There's an even bigger problem with the school of social work at msu. I paid them 10 credits over the course of this year (which is approx $1500) to work 16 hours a week for FREE for nine months. WTF?!

Ok mr. dean of msu school of social work- since when is it ETHICAL for an employee *TO PAY* THE EMPLOYER TO WORK?! I work 40 hrs a week and take 15 credits. 16 of those 40 are unpaid. You have no idea how insulting that is. So far in college I have not had to use the money my dad gave me. But now I will have to rely on someone else in order to get by financially, and for me- that is very, very difficult. I HAVE to be financially independent. I don't like to have to use my dad's money to get by. I understand that it is my issue, and that he is glad to help out, but it's hard for me to ignore my proud stubborn drive to be self sufficient in every possible way.

I've been spending $30-40 at meijers a week. That needs to stop. My budget is $25 a week for food.

I also need to start working out and not eating crap. I've decided that this must take priority over sleep. Somewhere, something has to give. And unfortunately it has to be sleep. Not like I sleep anyways,....lately it's been more like me staring at the ceiling for 4 hours. But why do that when I can do homework and get school stuff done? I might as well do homework till 4 in the morning everyday then get up at 5:30 to run 3 miles then work 12 hours. It would just make more sense that way.

I'm just extremely burnt out. I've got this doctors appointment coming up next week that I'm very nervous about. They're doing a biopsy to check for cell mutations. I'm a little nervous. Then there's trying to find a new car and dealing with getting rid of my old one...and sorting out my credit card, getting my taxes in, AHHHHHHHH

I'm just way over my head. ***NOTE TO SELF*** Katrina, if you EVER go back and read this entry later in your life, remember the way you felt at this precise moment and NEVER EVER go back to working two full time jobs. NEVER.